F%@!ing Perfect

Warning: video may be offensive to some

“Come ON!”

“..but I just want to pick a dandelion..”

“NO!”

………………………..

“We get to see the baby before her new parents take her.”

I was 11 when I met you.  You were in an incubator at St. Joseph hospital, Orange County, CA.  You laid quietly on your side with a diaper  that was too big for you.   Little squinty eyes and a cute little baby face, with hands balled in fists.  I guess you knew then, life for you, would be a fight.

“Would you like a picture?” the nurse asked, with a look that reflected our heartache.

We stood around you, and tried to smile.

…………………………………

An unwanted pregnancy?

I don’t think so.

Unplanned?

Maybe, maybe not.

Loved?

Yes, definitely.

…………………………………

“I just can’t do it,” sobbed my sister.

In her hand was a picture of your new mom and dad, taken when you were born.  They were smiling, they had waited for you.  You were in the arms of a woman with blonde hair and pretty make-up, her husband standing close to her, hugging you both.  I don’t remember what he looked like.

I don’t know all that happened, I was just 11.

Hearts were broken,

hearts were mended.

You came home

with us.

You were not adopted.

………………………….

Life for you, as you grew, was difficult to say the least.  Your mom wasn’t ready to have a baby.  How can she be a good mom when she hadn’t experienced it herself?

For us parenting doesn’t come naturally.  For us, it is a hard job, where our consequences for not being a gifted mother last forever in our children.  Your mom was torn.

She loved you and hated herself.

And when there is no healing, hate wins out.  She mothered you with hate.  Hate over her own shortcomings.  Hate for her mother.  Hate for your father.  Hate for welfare and no education.   Hate that she never could be good enough.

So you had to be perfect.  Your hair was always done (except at grandma’s house where you would run around with ‘wild woman hair’ the color of a bright new penny)!

You could never play in the dirt.  You could never touch your books , you could never touch the happy meal toys..they had to stay neat on the shelf.

You saw things a child never needed to see.  You saw fights that I could only imagine.  Heard screaming that hurt your heart.  Your father left and came again, when he felt some type of  need, only to leave again.  Your heart was like a scar that could never heal, since it was always being torn open again.  He is still like a child with no responsibilities.  He is a man who has missed out on more than he will ever comprehend.

……………………………….

Why didn’t I stand up for you?  It is because I was young.  You were like a little sister in many ways.  You got into my stuff, you got the attention, you got on my last nerve!

I wish I was older when you were born.  I wish I knew then, what I know now.  About compassion, about kids, about having fun.

I remember that time when I wouldn’t let you pick the dandelion because I just wanted to go home.  I wanted to stop watching you and get back to my own life.

If I could do it again I would have picked them with you.

I would have colored with you, and tickled you, and been amazed at you.  I wouldn’t have regrets about not standing up for you, or not telling your mom to leave you alone.  I sat by even when I knew you were being treated badly, and I want to apologize.  You never deserved any of that.

I am so sorry for the times you felt like a disappointment.  You never were.  I am sorry for the times you held a razor to yourself, you never should have felt that way.  I am sorry for the relief you felt as you cut yourself.  I am sorry for all the times you just wanted your mom to love you, and still do.  I am sorry you were so angry you left to live with you dad, hoping he might fill the void.  I know he didn’t.

I am sorry you imagined that being adopted would have been a better choice.

I am so glad you weren’t.

I am so glad you are in my life.  And for the years you lived with me.  I got to see so many things about you, so many things I wish your mom could see:  hard worker, problem solver, silly, loving, bully-deterrent for younger cousin!  You handled any confrontations between the neighborhood kids and settled problems for your little cousin!

I was lost when it came to raising a teenager.  Sometimes I just didn’t know what to do!  You needed to be pushed.  To have expectations and fairness.  To have a chance to prove yourself to yourself.

As you lived with us, I saw a change take place.  One from a fighter, to a young woman who actually started believing in herself, just a little!

Your teachers all said, “She talks excessively!  But she’s a pleasure to have in class!”

After you graduated you chose to be a  Marine because their expectations are so high.  Of  course you chose that!

When you got pregnant I was angry.  Angry because I thought I let you down.  Angry because I didn’t want you to be like your mom.

But you’re not.

You served your country and now have two beautiful little girls.  Girls, who you are raising differently.  Girls who can make a mess, and get dirty, Girls who pick dandelions, and who know you love them even tho they can drive you crazy!

Now Ican be amazed by you!

Thank you for forgiving me when I am less than perfect, Thank you for loving me…

You are perfect, to me.

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